“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.” –F. Scott Fitzgerald
“Failure sometimes enlarges the spirit. You have to fall back upon humanity and God.” –Charles Horton Cooley
It would be kind to say I am a little disappointed with myself for not writing this weekend. I could excuse it away with the fact that I have not been sleeping well, so I spent the time resting. Or I could rest easy in the fact that my trusty lap top is dying a slow death and it can take a big chunk out of my night just to get it up and going. But, my reality is, I just didn’t write. I failed.
I did hedge this little venture by saying that I wanted to write and reflect almostevery day, but giving myself that out was weak. In fact, I haven’t been very true to what I wanted to write yet, and I’m not now. I want to write creatively again, to work at poetry, perhaps some prose, and regain the small bits of talent or discipline or whatever it is that creates something good. That is not to say that what I have written in the past is “good,” but I have my moments. I want to really try to write again. If I’m not being creative, I at least want to reflect on things that go a little deeper.
That being said, I”m going to talk about tv. Tonight I watched the season premiere of House and was incredibly touched by a moment that you could see coming a mile away. A woman had been mute for years, vacantly staring and simply not “there.” There was a moment when she was handed the music box that had been taken from her. She instantly returned to herself, she spoke and connected. The next time she was shown, she was playing the cello beautifully, her passion. It gave me hope. Yes, this attempt at writing has been less than stellar. Yes, I failed and didn’t write this weekend. Yes, this is not eloquent or interesting or profound. Yes, I am still mute, lost somewhere inside.
Someday I’ll find my music box. Someday I’ll come back to me fully, I’ll write and be happy and alive like I used to be. It might take time and it might get discouraging. But this will not last. I’ll find my passion and skill again. I’ll connect and use the voice I’ve lost. It will happen. Until then, as discouraged as I get, as bad as this is, as lost as I can feel, I just need to be more forgiving of my failures.